Top 5 Signs of Reptilian Abduction
The worst part of being abducted is never being able to know for certain if you’ve actually been abducted for certain, you know it happened but nobody will believe you. Much like the Star Trek “no interference” policy, reptilians have agreed that humankind is simply not ready to know more. Reptilians and other aliens choose to interact with humanity they must leave no trace and not interfere, but that doesn’t mean reptilian abduction doesn’t occur.
The majority of us aren’t able to resist powerful sleeping drugs or have the ability to wake from deep slumber so we should be mindful of the small clues right in front of us that we’ve been abducted. People who claim they’ve been abducted, the ones not just lying for attention, probably have one or more combination of the following traits: anesthetic resistance, resistance to other narcotic sleeping chemicals like benzodiazepines, or simply the sheer strength of will that allows them to be conscious during the abduction.
1. Lower back or rectal pain / Explosive early morning diarrhea
If you’ve ever been anally probed, you know that it can often do one heck of a number on your lower back and rectum. Most aliens that we’ve spoken to all seem to have come to the consensus that probing is wrong, but admit it still goes on more than they’d care to admit.
Most health experts agree that often back and lower back pain are psychosomatic. So there may be more to your hurting backside than just your bad thoughts. The most frequent probing is often done by drunken, horny teenage reptilians. The act of abducting and probing is illegal, those that do it are shunned by the law-abiding extraterrestrial community. Believe it or not the extraterrestrials do adhere to laws, or earth would have already been blasted to smithereens by now.
2. Sudden brain fog / Random memory loss
If you’ve left your house to go to work, walked to your car reach for your keys only to discover you’ve locked yourself and your keys out of the house you most likely have been abducted at some point in your life.
“Memory gap filling” is a common human phenomenon but severe lapses in memory and judgment are clear signs of abduction. If you’ve shaved or applied makeup to one side of your face and punched the rearview mirror, remind yourself it’s not your fault it’s the god damn aliens monkeying around with your brain!
3. Disassociation / Existential Depression
If your life was going great, but one morning you wake up and you’ve wondered if you’re just another hairless water monkey eating and shitting your way through life going about your day feeling as though nothing really matters and we’re all doomed to repeat the same meaningless life over and over again, check your rectum because you may have been abducted.
If you can’t help but ponder the sad cruel joke that is the flat circle of human existence you may be experiencing existential depression brought on by an extraterrestrial scanning your brain and may be the victim of alien abduction, particularly by a cruel alien.
Fortunately, there are alien attorneys with human proxies on earth that will gladly take your case to the Intergalactic Judiciary Hearings held several hundred light years away via telepresence. Unfortunately, it will take countless thousand years to receive their response, but you can die happily knowing that justice will be served one day.
If you find yourself stuck in this mental hell, bounce back your mental health with the scientifically approved top of the line anti-mind control pills guaranteed to remove brain fog as well as restoring your will to live and curing existential depression one meaningless day at a time.
4. Anal Leakage or Sharting
We’ve already covered the lower back pain and explosive early morning diarrhea but sometimes the shitting doesn’t always make it to the bathroom. If you’ve been eating “low fat” chips with olestra, don’t worry you may not have been abducted by aliens but you do make horrible snack choices. If you haven’t made any recent changes to your diet but notice that when you let one loose it’s excessively wet sounding or leaves a little something extra it might not just be the beer shits – you’ve been abducted.
The safest thing to do if you’ve experienced anal leakage is to leave the scientific analysis to the professionals. Grab a q-tip, dip it in your ass juice, put it in a plastic bottle and mail it to one of the many Paranoid Echo Chamber certified testing centers for further DNA analysis. Keep in mind that the government already has tons of your DNA anyway so don’t be too paranoid about giving them some more, at least they’ll get a whiff of your ass juice.
Sending it to genetic services like Color or 23 and me is a win-win, if they find alien DNA you’ll get confirmation that indeed you have been probed – not from them but from the jackbooted thugs kicking down your door dragging you off to a black site to strap your nipples to car batteries and keep you up for 5 weeks straight blasting Britney Spears.
However if you’re lucky enough to have managed to stay off grid, don’t even send them your ass juice. Most genetic testing services are cataloged and sent to the Illuminati genome archives, and you don’t want to make their job to dominate your mind body and soul any easier.
5. Rapid early onset aging disorder
Have you noticed your hair going gray, falling out, wrinkles, early onset puberty not related to bovine growth hormone consumption, or other signs of getting old faster than you’d expect? It’s definitely due to alien abductions. By draining your endocrine systems, Reptilians will drain you of your vitality and initiate early onset aging disorder – making you look old and unlovable. That’s why it’s so important to protect your vital fluids by consuming as much Paranoid Echo Chamber content as possible, and staying woke.
HOW TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST REPTILIAN ABDUCTION
Don’t fret, just fire up a Paranoid Echo Chamber brand signal beacon, bait the trap with a Paranoid Echo Chamber inflatable decoy, hide behind a bush with a loaded shotgun and wait ’til they show up then pop up like a jack in the box and let ’em have it!
PROTECTION FOR YOUR BRAIN:
Read paranoid echo chamber articles like religious doctrine and use one of the many Paranoid Echo Chamber approved anti-mind control supplements guaranteed to give your the blazing mental tenacity to fight off the alien invaders as well as restoring your will to live and staving off existential depression.
PROTECTION FOR YOUR BODY:
Don’t eat weight loss or fat-free chips, or other processed food if you want to be in top alien fighting shape. Once you’ve fought them back from the inside, fight them back from the outside and strap on our patented anti-probe undies and defend your backside while you sleep. Nobody’s gonna snatch your vital fluids while you sleep!